This information is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or in place of seeing a proper medical professional. This information is based on my professional experience, research, and opinion. You may or may not agree, and that’s okay. My intention is to share.
Humans are not great at balance, but we are really good at overcorrection, and when it comes to anxiety, I think this is part of the problem. Because we are finally recognizing the seriousness of mental health and are beginning to understand the impact on children, seeing the signs of anxiety in a child can lead a parent to panic. As a parent, seeing your child struggle is a very painful thing, and naturally this can lead to rescuing. I know this doesn’t sound like a bad thing. After all, what parent wouldn’t want to save their child discomfort if they could? Much of our advice is in hopes they will learn from our mistakes in an attempt to save them from experiencing pain. Especially those parents who suffer from anxiety as well. They know how dreadfully uncomfortable the feeling is and so of course, they do what they can to rescue their child from that feeling. This may present as making special allowances at home or school to accommodate the anxiety, or discouraging the child from doing things that may be anxiety provoking. Now let me be clear here, if this is your pattern, I am not saying you are doing a bad thing. You love your child, and I know you really are trying your best to help them. My intension here is simply to educate. You’ll quickly notice that rescuing doesn’t work, so rather than rescuing, try empathy and guidance. Connect with the child by letting them know they are not alone, normalize the experience for them and help them figure out where to go with it.
Kids need to learn they are capable. I try to see everything in terms of what message I want to send. When expectations are adjusted in order to accommodate anxiety, the message becomes, “You’re right, you can’t handle that.” We also end up negatively reinforcing the behaviour. Lets take school for example. Many children are nervous about school. There are many people, many different personalities (both child and adult), and it takes them away from what they love most -you! It makes sense that children would be nervous about school at times. However, if we allow the child to miss the day because they are anxious, we have just negatively reinforced the behaviour. What that means is, we took away the stressor (school) and then they felt better. That feeling of relief translates to, “Not going to school feels better” and makes tomorrow that much more difficult. Now, I’m not talking about a one off. Sometimes we just need a day to regroup, and that’s different than what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the kid that tends to avoid. They interpret that nervousness to mean, they shouldn’t or can’t. If you have an avoider, you know it.
Looking at things in terms of what message I’m sending, I also try to think long term. As a parent myself, I want to empower my kids to know they can handle what comes at them. I want them to face challenges and feel the accomplishment that doing the hard thing can bring. I want them to know that even though it feels uncomfortable or hard, they can still try. Because anxiety often runs in families, I believe it is incredibly important to instill this type of learning early on. Kids will likely experience anxiety at some point in their life, and my goal is that they interpret it as a personal challenge, not a defeat.
In no way am I saying to force your children to do what scares them. In fact, DO NOT force them. This is called flooding and it will not work. Forcing them to do the thing that creates distress within them simply reinforces to them that they were right, it feels awful, and they will continue to not want to do it. The key is getting them to buy into the process. They have to want to try, because this is how we change their learned experience. With kids, facing anxiety often needs to be a team effort. Get them excited to face your fears together! This isn’t parent vs child. This is family vs anxiety. This may be you telling your child about something that made you feel anxious and how you handled it. Lead by example. So when your child is anxious, give them lots of empathy! You know how that feels and you want to validate their feelings. Facing anxiety is not easy, and any effort they put into this deserves to be celebrated! I like to tell all my clients (both young and not young) that just trying is a success in my book.
I believe in a skills based approach. Teach them they can handle stuff, work on problem solving, friendships, confidence, and independence. Find what motivates them and get them excited to face their fears. Empower them. If you have an anxious child, you do not have to do it alone. There are many professionals out there that can help you properly navigate child anxiety.
By Brittany Parrotta, RPC, CCATP-C
Counselling 